A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
