My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
