Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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