I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
