party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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