I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
