you guys were way drunker than both of me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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