Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
