I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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