I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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