Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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