using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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