Your mouth is God's brothel.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
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I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
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Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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