Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
