Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
