So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
