I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
