If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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