I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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