Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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