the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
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He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
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I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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