i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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