guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
