I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
