I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
