i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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