One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
