My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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