why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the condom got lost in my hair
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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