this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
