Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
