so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
not ubering you a puppy
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