She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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