you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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