I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
