I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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