My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
