dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
