I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
