I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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