Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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