if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
