You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
