Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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