she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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