i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
