she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
