Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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