I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
