he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
