I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
