dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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