If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
