i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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