the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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