that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
