Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
